Monday, May 3, 2010

One last time...


Part 1

   I looked at him for the last time I thought...

   I had never seen him so perplexed ever before that overpowered his calm and composed demeanor. I knew it was over. He was not the only one who understood how much courage he had to muster to face the truth that he thought was nothing but a state of confusion till now.
    It was just a couple of days before someone else would take me away right in front of his eyes. Somehow I just hoped all this was nothing but a nightmare. I was waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up from my dream. I was waiting...and I kept on waiting. I waited a bit too long apparently...We had lost everything...We had lost each other. Everything was retrograding. The only person that mattered the most to me...the only person I could call my family...the only person I could lend my heart to...couldn't make up his mind for me.
   "Take this", he said while handing me my charm bracelet.
Tears rolled down from my eyes and kissed my cheeks. I knew this bracelet ultimately was to be delivered to me, but I was hoping for the one that could bring immense joy and happiness to my life and not the other which marked sadness of the same intensity as the happiness. When I had given this charm bracelet to him 12 years ago as a keepsake, we had this pact that : if we ever fall in love with each other, then he would profess his love for me by making me wear it and I was supposed to understand his gesture...and if that didn't happen, then he would just return it to me one day. And the day for the latter to happen had come.

"No, no, I can't possibly take this bugsybug," I cried. Bugsybug was my nickname for him for his repulsion from insects and he called me psycho for my weird imagination.

"What do you mean by you can't?! This was the deal wasn't it ?", he said softly.

"It was the deal I know, but I always hoped for the 1st option...never really prepared myself for the second option...", I couldn't even look into his eyes now.

"And who exactly do you think chose the second option ?", he asked.

"I know I did, but what else do you expect me to do?", I replied holding my tears back.

"To accept it when I was making you wear it the other night."

"But you weren't even sure if you love me bugsybug? You claim you know your feelings...but you don't. I asked you then if you loved me ? But you hesitated. I always thought I knew that we're meant for each other but I can't force you in a relationship if you aren't aware of your own feelings," I said.

"So you go and agree to get married to some other man ?", he blurted out, sadness and tension filling up his otherwise mesmerizing eyes.

"What do you want me to do? Wait for you my whole life when you're not even sure if you're in love with me ? Who never confessed his feelings for me ? Who wants me to be his forever but doesn't really know why ? You want me to be yours but how ? I don't even know what's more painful-to wait for you with the false hope that you will be back one day in my life or to forget you and move on. In both the cases it's me who's losing don't you get it ? ", tears started rolling down my cheeks and I just wanted to rush into his warm embrace and get that comfortable feeling again.

"I want you to not marry him", he implored.

"And then what ?"

"I don't know".

"So should I wait till I get a reply from you in this life or should I take an appointment in my next birth ? Will you be done thinking about that by then, then ?", I replied sarcastically.

"I know I screwed up but how do I let you go when you're the only best friend in my life who knows me in and out, who's been with me through the best and the worst of times, who has brought so much sunshine in my life, a bright life, I have practically lived most of my life with you in it. Now how do I imagine my life without you being in it? Everything happened so fast-first the revelation that you love me, then my parents passing away, my accident, my job gone, I need some time to comprehend ," he replied.

"You don't want me to go away from your life. But how do you want me to stay back as ? It's been three years since then, I have given you time and space. You haven't been through that phase alone, I have been through it with you.
We have laughed and cried together, lived and died together, fought and patched up together, gotten angry and have melted together. But you cannot take forever to decide my fate," I cried.
"Every day I meet you with the hope that maybe...maybe today's the day when I might see myself in your eyes. One day...some day...I hoped I could be the one whom you would want to spend the rest of your life with...and when I didn't see that, you have no clue how I wished you could feel that way for me. I meet you with a glee, with a fool's hope, but when that hope's tarnished in front of me, I go home with sadness in my eyes," I cried.

He didn't speak. He didn't need to. His eyes did all the talking. I gazed into his eyes and could see right through him. I knew he wanted me to wait for him, to be with him...I wanted the same...but not this way. It ripped my heart up into a zillion pieces when I decided to get married to someone else than him...and look at my bad luck-the only person who could stick it up is the one I'm going away from...

"Do you love me?", I asked for one final time to know if I can change my decision.

He just looked at me. His eyes blinked with regret. He knew I would ask him this, he knew the answer, I knew he desperately wanted to evade this question and I knew what his answer was going to be-I knew him far too well...

I smiled and looked at him. He stood there like a child who's candy was just snatched by a bully. I went closer to him. I gave him a soft peck on his cheek and whispered in his ear, " you don't love me and you know that".

He kissed me back and started walking away from me. How I wished he could say that he loved me. How I wished I could know where I stand in his life. How I wished we could have our own happily-ever-after. Why are two people who are meant to be together torn apart like this. Why ? No one can understand me better than him...he understood my mood swings...my choices...we completed our sentences even before the other could finish it. No one can provide that warm familiar feeling that said everything's going to be ok no matter how deep shit we're in. He was the only one I spent 12 years of my life with after I was orphaned at the age of 12. No one can understand him better than me...No one could provide him the stability and love that I could...He won't let anyone else understand him but me...Why did this happen...oh lord...!!!

Flashes of the past when we first met at an ice-cream parlour when we were just 12 years old-he was wearing a vibrant blue superman shirt and a red cap, when we first went to school together, when we first went on dinner together, when we first kicked each other, when we first went to college together, when we first travelled to different places together...We did everything together...All that is past now...



Read 'One last time' - Part 2




P.S. : I tried my hands on writing short stories 4 d 1st time :P accordin 2 me dis story sucked :D:P its quite raw n is all over d place:p...but nonetheless since i'v written this much :P i have posted it lol:P...

5 comments:

  1. yours is the first story i read from top to bottom....keep writing and know it's good...

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  2. @ Rokumotive - ermm i knoe dis is sucha late reply 4m my side - but Thank you :) I'm glad.

    @ Tushar - thnx :)

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