Thursday, May 9, 2013

The long way home...

She woke up with a sudden disturbing thought in her head. Barely able to sleep the night, she got up from her bed and walked towards the bathroom. It still wasn't 'morning' yet. She could still feel the pain in her legs as she tried to walk. Tears streaming down her face, head in agony, she closed her eyes and clenched her teeth - a foolish attempt at stopping the pain flowing through her organs, through her body. 

Surrounded by dilapidated walls, adorned with dripping water and moss, the stench of her house had become her perfume. When she opened her eyes in front of a broken, vintage mirror - she could finally see herself - broken in places - with voices of turmoil and an entity screaming for absolution. An entity that was not 'her'. She looked away, gasped and made a faint attempt at twisting her hair into a knot. Standing there, alone - and now lonely - flashes of bright memories started filling her brown eyes. She tried to escape them, she tried to escape what she had done, but she could not. That's when her fingers reached for her face - trying to discern the shape of her fresh bruises - marks gifted to her because of what she had done. She tried controlling it all, inside of her, until she couldn't contain the turmoil any more. She punched what used to be an otherwise beautiful mirror in its prime, and walked away.

Her feet were covered with dry muck. Cuts and bruises embellished her entire body. Somewhere one could even see thin streams of blood flowing down to the ground. She walked towards the shower and subjected herself to a semi-powerful force of water. The burning sensation from the cuts when the water hit them - made her dizzy. She almost kept losing her balance every now and then. The entity inside of her felt the 'burn' too. And since the entity resided in her, her innards burnt as well. When the cuts could produce no more burning sensations, she gave up and walked out of the bathroom. 

What was she doing? Was she willing to take that much pain? Did she have any idea how painful it would be for her before she committed the crime? But the deed was done. One can't undo what has been done.

With puffy eyes and the colour 'red' being associated from head-to-toe on her physical self, she crashed back on to her bed. Now even the bed felt like a bed of rock with no comfort whatsoever. As she lay there, still as a boulder, cold as a ghost, she could not avoid thinking about what she had done. She could not stop thinking about the entity inside of her. She closed her barely open eyes, and drifted silently into watching the 'movie' that replayed in her mind from previous night.

It was all happy. The past. Then it became unhappy - the present. No matter what she did, things always fell back. She frantically tried, desperately even, but her brain was fried. Emotions were over-stretched. Feelings were brutally bruised. State was close to demolition. The last straw kept breaking, and when that wasn't enough - one more last straw kept breaking. Apparently, there was an almost in-exhaustive stock of last straws. Maybe to her it wasn't about the last straws. What was it about then? She once knew it. But now no more. Her body was infused with guilt, pain and remorse - she would take back her words, her actions - not all - but some of them anyway. Until there came a time, when the entity and 'she' couldn't take it any more. Their thinking, their words, their communication - all were on two different tangents. They wanted to make it work - but no matter what they did, all they got was pain from each other. They will never understand each other. How did they understand each other at first then?

The entity experienced fresh wounds every time. She did too. Because the entity was in pain. Because at times - it was her fault. She didn't mean to not understand. But she couldn't understand his words. A lot was broken. A lot was tattered and bruised. And the streak of turmoil continued. Until she realised - she had sucked out the very life out of the entity. And last night was the final dose. The final inch of life was left to be absorbed. And so it happened. She sucked and sucked the life - and now - the entity resides inside of her. The marks were the entry point - some fresh ones and some more than a year old.

She opened her eyes as she felt tears fall perennially. She could hear him scream under his breath to be let out - but she couldn't. It's not that she wanted this. But that was the natural process. It happened - and she couldn't stop it. She felt helpless. She touched her tears to wipe them out; only to find that they weren't tears. The fresh red fluid kept flowing from her eyes, and some of it had already started coagulating from being exposed for too long without being disturbed. She knew what was to come. The feeling was strong. A faint smile started filling her bruised and cut face - what otherwise was called a 'beautiful face' by the entity. She could feel her breath going faint. It was only a matter of seconds before her lungs started collapsing and paleness substituting the reddish hue. In those final moments, there wasn't much she could do. But what she could do, was think about all the precious moments that were a gift to her. The laughter, the chuckles, the Voice, the care, the affection, the Love... It wasn't a peaceful death, but the transition was subdued by the memories. And with one final gasp of air, the entity left her lifeless body only to hold hands in this final time. To depart the world... Together. To be with each other... Forever...