Wednesday, December 23, 2015

And off I go...

Sometimes life's supposed to make sense,
sometimes it just passes us by,
sometimes the angels descend to warn us,
sometimes we just turn a blind eye.

Everything everywhere walks ahead,
everything everywhere functions the way it should,
if only we had the choice to switch our specie,
if only we could be the masters of our lives.

What the eyes see, is not always beautiful,
what the ears hear, is not always melodious,
what the heart feels, is not always lovely,
what the soul undergoes, is not always on display.

The meaning is nothing, if not in life,
what does not make sense, cannot be possessed,
to wait for the end, is an uncomfortable time,
that seems unending, going on forever.

How did life ever dissipate this invisibly?
How did grasping the fragments never touch our hands?
How did living a life become so dramatic?
How did escaping it is inescapable at all?

If we were birds, we could just fly away,
create our own identity, create our own lives,
not connected to each one of us, we could have been happier than ever,
if we were birds, we could just visit the others.

Is this what we are meant to endure?
Is this what we all would wait to end?
Is there a solution as simpler as this?
Coz this is a solution I don't want to adopt.

If only we could sleep for a long time to come,
when the evolution could pass us by, no one to distract us,
when the agony evaporates, and the sun can shine bright,
if only there was no more of everything right now.

I'd like to fly high, I'd like to walk on air,
I'd like to walk to a far off land, never to turn back,
I'd like to own a small cottage, with greens and fruits and herbs,
I'd like to have a water stream close by, the sound of which flows,
I'd like to work and tire myself, and sleep like a sound cherub,
I'd like to put things around me, the kind that makes me happy,
I'd like to build my own little world, escaping which is an option,
maybe I'd leave one day waiting, in the hopes that day will come,
and an unfulfilled dream it will be, the kind that lingers forever,
if only there was an end, or a new beginning somewhere,
I'd go chasing at it in a moment, never to return forever.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Search...

A dissipating breeze blows around,
The strings that moved the hands vanish,
A chill of comfort, a pleasant atmosphere,
A world of unknown stares.

A spectator, a witness, never the protagonist,
A searcher, a wanderer, never the settler,
A free bird in the shadows of cold,
A mindless muse flying far abroad.

Searching for the meaning, that ties it all,
Searching for the calling, that's a cause to stay,
Can the vagabond ever be the settler?
Can the true passion ever be found?

If only the magic could fill the insides,
If only the power could yield some tricks,
If only the search could end some day
If only the heart could beat some more.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The Time of my Life...

Lying vacuously on the soft, wet grass,
staring with awe at the mysterious dark sky,
a vast space with infinite masses,
a vast space with infinite souls.

And the time should stop and freeze all,
so I can touch the rain drops, and hold them still,
in the palm of my hand, I can pause and wonder,
I can look around, only me in animation.

I can walk all around, I can touch and go,
with no one looking, and no one to answer to,
I can appear and disappear, I can be here, and there too,
and the whole world is my own, and no one owns a thing.

And the time should freeze all, and every living soul that is,
so I can walk amidst the suspended blobs,
so I can feel the time uninterrupted,
so I can feel all that there is to feel, so I can see all there is to see,
so I can be all there is to be, so I can breathe all there is to breathe,
with no worries of losing time, not one moment being wasted,
coz time is on my side this time, and not a minute shall pass any more,
and I can breathe the germinating life in me, and I can breathe the lost freedom in me,
I can breathe the healed soul in me, and I can breathe the magical essence of me,
and I can breathe... if only the time would freeze...
if only the time would freeze...



Saturday, May 23, 2015

Her own realm of miracles...

"It's so beautiful..."

Standing with mesmerising eyes, in winter overalls and muffler, she looked up at the deep, black night sky. She could not believe her eyes.


A vast cluster of bright, orangy-reddish stars. All expanded only in a specific area. All tightly placed. They were constellations. All the constellations she ever knew about. Orion... The Big Dipper... Ursa Minor... Maybe even Cassiopeia? So many constellations... It was peculiar that a perfect silhouette of a horse formed by stars shone at the bottom right corner of the vast starry cluster. It was... uncanny.

Why were the stars that colour? How could that even be possible? They were so many of them. And yet, when she looked across at eye level, she could see the charcoal black glittering in the vast expanse of sea; adorned by the huge, lighted skyscrapers along the edge. The city appeared at quite a distance across the sea. But she could see that she wasn't in a surreal place. The civilisation across the water was proof enough of that. The buildings appeared as magical, with all the lights and neons and colours as the ones she had seen in Hong Kong. She had a smile on her face. A smile of disbelief that a magical phenomenon appeared right above her head and no one else could see it. A smile of belief that magic is all around her. A smile of exultation that beauty still exists.

She looked around her to check if she was the only one who could see the beautiful clusters of constellations and stars in that unbelievable colour. Was she on a boat? A cruise? She could feel the surroundings that of a deck, with some storage space next to her. She looked up above again. A site like that - you just cannot take your eyes off of. There was a sparkle in her eyes. As if she was hypnotised by that miracle in the dark sky. By that cosmic miracle that she had never heard or read about before. The constellations were so closely packed with random stars in that cluster. But yet, she could make out so many of them. The 'horse constellation' did feel like a conundrum to her. But she just took it as a sign of uniqueness. She did not want to take her eyes off of the gorgeous sky. It felt like home to her.

But she did turn around to tell him, his whitish-fair skin breaking the monotony of the dark, as he stood there in his jacket and muffler, approaching for her warm embrace. She told him with that child-like excitement that jumps around when an unbelievable miracle appears. She told him what she saw, unable to believe the words coming out of her mouth. She told him what she saw in that beautiful, beautiful, gorgeous smile that he first lost his heart to. She told him in intricate detail... and he stood there, mesmerised by her enchanting voice, always listening like a little boy.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Present... erased...

"That's not mine," she looked at him with astonished yet quizzical eyes.

"What do you mean it's not yours?! Of course it's yours!" he replied with an agitated confidence that defied the very basis of their love: Trust.

"Is that why you want a divorce?" she asked, in a tone that appeared to be now solving the puzzle of 'why?'

He looked away from her face. Probably doubting himself at having thought that way about her. That hollow confidence that had filled him up, now seemed to be abandoning him; leaving him alone to fight his battle of 'doubt'.

She did not ask him again. She didn't need to. After all these years of togetherness, he may not have been able to understand her, but she understood every part of his body and soul as if her own.

His eyes dawdled across the floor to the semi-crumpled pages. Lying there lifelessly. The anger vented out on the paper could be easily made out from the wrinkles and tears in the pages. Probably he had spent many a nights staring at the pages, holding them, trying to believe what the pages read was true, doubting her... doubting her... that's what it all came down to... he doubted her.

She had trouble standing where she stood. Her legs had trouble carrying her weight. She felt her whole body tremble from within. It appeared as if her face once was a bright ray of sunshine with a smile so fresh it could wake the flowers up. But now... now her face had no emotion. No beauty. No curves. No light. No mention of the happiness she had once lived. She was just a piece of flesh with eyes and nose and lips. 

She did not want to look at the pages on the floor. She felt a sense of repulsion. And yet, all her eyes could dart towards from the hazy room was the pages... She tried to pull away. She tried to control. But she could not. Her eyes were drawn to the pages like the opposite poles of a magnet. She found herself treating the pages as a person. As if the pages were somehow responsible for showing the true colours of her husband. She knew she was wrong. She knew the pages were pages. She knew what he was. She always knew his behaviour could cause a rift between them if it ever surfaced in him.

In the dead of night, in the deafening silence, the pages on the floor fluttered as if to break the silence. As if to draw a conclusion. As if to hang on or fall off.

He spoke. With a guilty tone, he spoke. "I thought... it was yours...," he sat down on the chair.

She looked at him with eyes so full of emotions that it could take a translator a day or two to decipher all the emotions. In the span of a few seconds her emotions changed from sadness, to pain, to hurt, to pity, to anger, to disgust, to abandonment, to making her want to die. No emotion stayed for more than a few seconds in her eyes. Her brain was constantly processing what to make of this fiasco.

She picked up the pages. Seeing them clearly for the first time. Her eyes could not clear out the haze from the constant flow of tears, but she tried her best to read. Drops of tears fell here and there all over the first page. Until... until a drop fell exactly where the problem was. That name... That name spell like hers. Only that it wasn't. There was an additional 'T' in the last name.

She could see how he could have misunderstood. How anyone could have. But to not clarify it with her... to decide he wants a divorce on the basis of a piece of paper... that is what she could not understand... not even in a million years could she have...

She wanted to make the marriage work. He wanted to make the marriage work. But somewhere down the line, he became 'he'... and she became his... He was not who he used to be. She was what he wanted her to be. They both forgot what it was like to make things work. Over the years, the cracks he harboured, finally found their way to the end of their marriage.

She picked the paper up, placed it next to him on the table.

"That name is not mine. But I think you knew that. You could have simply told me you wanted a way out. I would have let you go. Why stage this drama? You knew the truth would come out eventually," the words that came out of her mouth were not pre-meditated. She was surprised at what she was saying. Maybe she was so tired that her brain sent the message directly to the lips without making her aware of it. 

He was having an affair... 

"You are having an affair?!" 

He... was... having... an affair...? Of course! With her... with her... With... Her???

How could she not see? They were right in front of her... except the times that they weren't... Except the times... that... they... weren't???

Who is this man in front of her? She felt a fleeting epiphany. She never really knew this man, did she? It was as if he hid an entire self from her. As if living a secret life, his true self, with the other woman...

She looked at him with those questioning eyes that could kill you just with a gaze. She did not even need to ask him out loud, his eyes did all the work.

He just stood there. He did not answer her. Instead, unexpectedly, he signed the divorce papers without saying another word. His right hand reached up to touch her cheek... She stared at him... His hand stopped close to her cheek. Her eyes were as if she could gaze right through him. She always had those powerful eyes. Eyes that could never allow a person to lie to her. Eventually forcing the other person to reveal it all. Where had that power disappeared while he was in bed with someone else?

There was no exchange of words between them. They did not need to. Their eyes communicated enough. Enough to torture the living soul out of the them both. Enough to last the torture their entire lifetime.

She was about to leave when she said. Not looking at him. Her final words. The last ones she will ever say to him. The last ones he will ever hear from her.

"You erased all the happy years we had together by betraying me in the worst possible way. You undid everything we built together. How can you be happy now...?" she paused, "but you can be. Because you wanted a way out. You have it now. Never turn back. Never come back. I am dead to you. You are dead to me."

She left. Without waiting for him to say anything, she left. She left...



P. S. 1: Originally written as a short story, but it kind of fits with this picture, hence written for Magpie 267.

P. S. 2: Those who know me and my writing style, for the love of God, do not try to wrack your brains. It's a piece of fiction and it's best to treat it as one. I will not be responsible for your mindless associations as a result.

Monday, April 20, 2015

The Empty Wanderer...


Is it possible to have a soul with a void?
And yet feel a sense of peace?
The void is not damaging, the void doesn't even feel like a void,
but you know it's there, but you know it has always been there,
maybe ever since you were a child,
and now you just live with it, with acceptance,
and now it feels more positive, than anything else,
it's chaos around, it's chaos in the mind,
but the void is peaceful, the peace is finally here.
you don't see your reflection in the mirror,
you don't see yourself,
yet you know you are there, where you always belonged.

Sometimes it just takes a song,
sometimes it takes that one person,
sometimes it takes an epiphany,
sometimes a mindless reverie,
to lift your spirits and rise above the land,
to lift the shadow off your heart and soar without looking back,
to a place of utopia, a haven for your charm,
to a place you call your own, a place that becomes your home,
And if the invisible void can achieve this,
you wish you had more of it,
to make you stay in the paradise,
to make you believe again...

Written for Magpie 266.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Perennial escape...

Painting by Daria Petrilli

Echos of mysteries that surround me from within,
dancing in the black night, there is no soul to be seen,
as light as water, as gullible as waves,
I float across the rivers, with powers insane.

No speech can be heard, no one can talk,
with eerie aches, I seldom halt to watch,
the plight of strings attached to me,
the plight of those that swim beneath me.

I wish to travel far, I wish to travel across,
across this realm, into a void of nothingness,
with an agile mind, a harbinger of chaos,
a self-destruction course is chartered already.



Written for: Magpie Tales, Mag 265